To Give

I have a confession, single reader. A confession that has been weighing heavily on my heart. I feel like I owe you an explanation, since I’ve been writing so little in the past few months. Yes, I’ve spent a lot of time sick and recovering from different illnesses. Yes, I’ve been keeping busy, sometimes too busy to sit down at the computer. But the real reason I’ve strayed from this blog is simply because I’ve been unhappy. Not hugely unhappy, for the record. I still recognize how lucky I am to live and work in such a beautiful place. I still find myself for the most part surrounded by a loving, wonderful group of friends and family. But I’ve become dissatisfied with my position here, for more reasons than are really appropriate to go into on this blog.

I’m frustrated not only with the job but with the negativity it seems to shower on me and the fact that I am having such a difficult time drying it off. With only two weeks left, I’ve all but given up on the magical experience I so hoped to recreate. And that makes me sad.

I haven’t decided yet if my frustrations here are specific to the place, the job, or the Park Service as a whole. That’s something I think will become clearer as I continue on to Mesa Verde. But this situation has forced me to think about what I really want to do with my life and my career. It has incited me to explore options beyond the Park Service, and I have to be honest, I’m thrilled with some of the avenues I’ve found. As miserable as some of my days of late have been, I’m excited for what lies ahead. And I may not have known to look in these new places without the disappointment I’ve been challenged by. So I guess I have to be thankful for that.

Here’s one thing I know, one thing I’m sure of. What I want more than anything else is to lie on the ground, spread eagle, and feel the sun on my skin. I want to watch the clouds go by and the birds soar above me. I want to hear the wind as it whisks across my ears and to breathe fresh, clean air. I want to lie there whenever I like, for as long as I like, absorbing as much energy as I can stand straight from the Earth herself. And then I want to feel joyful in the knowledge that this is a fair trade. That I’m giving too.

3 thoughts on “To Give

  1. Nana: Nothing ever is the same as before. Ahead lies a lot of wonders to discover, never intend to live the same, things changes all the time and the magic of growing up is to discover new things, understend them, enjoy them and go ahead allways conquering your expirience of life itself

  2. Ahh, the quandary of what to do. That feeling of unsettled ambiguous dissatisfaction is your friend; you already know that. Follow your heart and your gut and your mind, Mariana. You don’t need to figure things out all at once. It will come. You will know. And we will support you in your journey and applaud you at each stop, with love, always. (hug)

  3. I was going through crisis once, and someone very close to me asked what I wanted. I replied, “To be happy.” Their response was to then go on about what happy was and whether it was tangible. As troubled as I was feeling at that point in my life, all I felt in that moment was sorrow for them. Each of us needs to define their own individual happiness. It won’t be the same for everyone – our inner cirlce may not all agree or approve (and that disapproval can at times be highly audible) – but it is a personal vision that cannot, and should not, be demarcated by others. Follow your heart, spread your wings, pursue all possibilities, and seek out your happiness.

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