A Shower-Lover’s Lament

I can remember wanting to write this post my first season here at ISKY. And now that I’m reunited with my old trailer, my old bed, and my old bathroom, I find myself inspired again.

Alright single reader, I need to tell you something – and I need to warn you that it may sound scandalous at first. It may be that what I’m about to tell you could be considered offensive, even crude. But it’s absolutely crucial to the understanding of this story, and I beg you not to judge me too harshly for it.

You see single reader, these days, I seldom shower alone.

There, I said it. You know my secret. But oh, it gets worse. Mother forgive me! For the truth is, I often spend my bathing time with not one, but two, and sometimes even three companions! On one particular morning, I even counted five friends in my bathtub!

And who are these sordid companions? Well, it’s hard to say, exactly. But they’re not welcome, I’ll tell you that.

I’ve always hated spiders.

That’s right, spiders. They took up residence in my bathroom long before I arrived, and have stubbornly remained ever since. For the life of me I can’t figure out their obsession with the place. It seems a very deadly spot for such a fragile creature! Yes, I suppose, there is abundant water in that little room. But that water is just as deadly as essential to life for those creatures! All it takes it a point of the stream and the many-legged terrors are gone. I’ll admit, the spiders spooked me so much my first season that I drowned many of them with the showerhead. Their long legs would cling to the ridges of the drain as I determinedly pointed the water in their direction. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m quite ashamed. That first summer I often had dreams that the spiders took revenge on me. That they came marching out of the very drain I flushed them down by the hundreds, swarming me out of house and home.

This year I’ve struck a deal with them. They may stay in their corners or chosen spot on the ceiling as long as they remain still and at a reasonable distance. Since my move out west I’ve come leaps and bounds in my fight against arachnophobia – but I still have an irrational fear that they’re going to jump on me. I’m fine at a distance, but the threat of them making contact with any part of my body gives me the heebie jeebies. So the first time I met a spider in the shower this season I calmly and reasonably let him know my plan. And so far, I haven’t drowned a single one.

But this doesn’t mean my showers have become drama-free. Oh no. Quite the contrary. Those spiders, though kind to me as of late, are not so nice to each other. The cast changes on a daily basis. One morning I find a small spider blending into the tan wallpaper near the floor, the next she is joined by a larger roommate in an upper corner. The third day I find one of the two half eaten in a messy stream of web. It’s hard to tell exactly who ate who, as the spiders grow so quickly. And so the soap opera continues. Eggs are laid and hatched. They eat each other and the occasional fly. They chew on the leftovers for days until someone bigger and hungrier comes along and makes a meal of their own. Some mornings I shower with six. Others I shower with none. You never know what to expect from these harsh little critters.

Sometimes I wish I could talk some sense into them. You know, teach them to be civil and polite towards one another. They listened to me once, after all… so far anyways.

But alas, no matter what I say or who I say it to, the drama continues to unfold. Maybe they’re not hearing me well over the strange squeaking noise my shower makes. But my fear of them doesn’t allow much time to linger once I’m clean. What can I say? You can’t save them all.

One day I’ll live in a house with a bathroom that doesn’t conveniently match the dusty brown color of the spiders who live there. They won’t be able to surprise me with their sudden moves and their creepy legs. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll even get to live in a house with no spiders at all! Just think, a day when my heart is able to maintain its normal rhythm for the entirety of my shower!

Oh, but what’s life without a little fear, eh?

One thought on “A Shower-Lover’s Lament

  1. When I was living in park housing on the Cape I encountered similar problems. Spiders in my bathroom and in every nook and cranny of the shower. Unfortunately they would also show up in my bedroom. Like right above my face. Not cool. Like you I eventually made peace with them… as long as they kept their distance.

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